January 6, this was the exact day I found out that someone close to me lied to me . August 16 of 2009, I quit smoking I didn't really smoke that much before but just decided to quit it!. It was a gift for myself and for Joanne, since those days for her was really challenging and I really wanted to cheer her up. I hope I did, anyway September of 2009 we moved to Pampanga and worked there because we just wanted to work together try our luck together, just me and her. Things worked out really great for me it was challenging but rewarding, I'm happy to say that I really learned a lot from that experience.
May of 2010 we went back to Baguio, Joanne at that time stopped working in February of the same year. I didn't have a job for almost 4 months but, was lucky to work at Convergys in August of the same year. I was living in their house at that time, sometimes my house most of the time her House, but on the last week of November 2010, something happened - I moved out December of the same year. No one talked me into moving out, it was my decision after Joanne's mom opened up and talked to me about how she feels about me staying in their house. I know living in someone else's house is really wrong. We have a house, my mom and dad brought me up to be family oriented. My parents especially my mom always think about what people might say just because of a slight decision or act. My parents are famous and though they always tell me to stay at home I don't listen to them. I treated Joanne's house, everything! like mine, when in fact it's not. I can't believe I can be that person, territorial, and all because I'm in love when it's not even something that Joanne owns nor do I own any of it to begin with. It was all because of love. Now I can understand why married couples can't really stand staying with in-laws. No privacy, the room's the only actual air-space where you can freely breathe, no matter how hard you try to impress the in-law it's just not enough ,you still suck!, seldom will you hear thank you's and if each home can be categorized in terms of government, I'd say it's communist. It's also hard to focus on what to do because if you ignore things in all shapes and forms its rude. It's just something that I can't get myself into ever again. Reason why I decided to pursue Real Estate , so I can find properties for us, soon, in the meantime I need a job where I can showcase my sidelines which may pertain to properties I will sell in the future.
December of 2011, Joanne decided to quit smoking, I remember after this, she was rushed to the hospital. I panicked and cried because she was brought by an ambulance. She had difficulty breathing and was aching, wasn't able to talk, but was lucky to be able to honk the car. Joanne's mom was shouting at me in the hospital and blaming me in front of my sister and my co-worker, she talked to me after and said sorry but I admit when I was in the hospital I literally ignored her and walked out of Joanne's bed. Since then Joanne quit smoking, she talks about how she feels about people smoking, that we are lucky we kicked the habit, that she's happy this can impact the expenses and that we can save, my favorite was "Parang nakukulangan ng oras pag nag yoyosi, nagmamadali". I don't drink alcohol as well if I do it's really like once in two years, or once a year. I don' t have anything against those who drink but this is something that I'm happy and proud of.
January 6 2013, I found out that Joanne was smoking and that she was just hiding it from me. She lied several times before this , I remember each time I ask her, she would say she quit already. After I got her into telling the truth. she said that she was depressed. It was because,I wasn't living in their house anymore, she felt alone etc.
I was like huh? but I still sleep in their house like twice a week etc, Apparently, that is just not enough for her.
So I decided to forgive her, I mean everyone needs a 2nd chance. She promised not to smoke again and same thing she talked about how happy she is that I gave her a chance to change, that she is happy that she finally kicked the habit. I ask her every week just to check on her progress about whether she feels urges, and ask her about the last time she smoked and she always answers "it was the time we fought" (January 6).
I've been having bad dreams lately about me going crazy, which is weird. I don't know why but I always dream of her. I'm not into signs. But I decided to talk to her and she opened up said that lately she felt like she doesn't have a GF, I know it's about me staying there again, not being able to live together, we spend time together but its really not enough for her, but I do believe that we really have to spend more time together.
So yesterday, we compromised about spending more time together, we were both happy for this weekend, bought a dog and was excited for our monthsary celebration. We wrapped up the day by watching "The Dog Whisperer" so we know how to communicate with our new baby. :) we were just so happy.
I woke up, woke her up ate and she asked me to go up and get ready for work. and so I did. I heard the gas tick"spark", which her mom always use to light up her cigar. But, for some reason, yesterday, I feel I have to down and check on her, I did and boom I saw her smoking with her mom, she saw me and smiled, It felt like it was a smile of betrayal. I went back up, went in the room, and fixed my things. She walked in and said " mom asked me to light her cigarette". I was a smoker and I know what a smooth puff is. It looked exactly like that. I asked her again, she said ... she still smokes. Smoking for me is okay, but what I didn't want was the lie. I was mad not because she lied, nor smoked, but I was more mad and upset that I don't know if I can still trust her ever!.
Today's our monthsary and I remember the first time she did this, I skipped work but now I didn't, I think I'm getting stronger. She, dropped by my house with the dog said sorry, brought food came back and we went out. To my surprise she decided to redeem the ring we pawned almost 2 years ago, this is a ring that she gave on our first anniversary. Yeah she redeemed it. But can she still redeem us??. Can I still trust her? Today I can say that I'm just still confused. She's the one who has been with a lot relationships already, how could she make me feel this way. When I'm not good at this! I still don't know what to do..... i feel like taking that appraisal seminar, just so I can have my mind preoccupied. Appraisal, Law school, work and my mom. That will really keep me busy. My mom alone can keep me busy. What should I do. I think I'm just going to be alone forever. If I give her a chance. Is it worth it, will I get hurt more, will I learn from this, will it change her, will I get more stronger. Will it fix this hurt that I'm feeling?
Today her defense was that smoking is an addiction, she was scared to tell me because she knows how I would feel about it. It's because of me that she can't tell me about it. But , after this she said sorry and then said that it's not my fault but her fault. I don't know! I can't even sleep anymore. and she can sleep well ... Awesome!
